6 Christmas Gift Suggestions That Prove Martha Stewart is Losing It

msby Lauren Medvig

art by Josh Worby

Fabric Covered Boxes
Fabric covered boxes are a good idea for putting presents inside of. Martha, however,  feels that these boxes are fabulous enough to be gifts all on their own. The best part is the twist ending, when your disappointed family discovers that the box IS the present.

Felt Coasters
Apart from the fact that next to nobody actually uses coasters in their daily life, this suggestion is especially ridiculous because Martha suggests that you take the time to make it yourself. Should you follow Martha’s advice, your unlucky relatives will be receiving a few unevenly cut out pieces of cardboard with a small piece of felt hot glued to the top of it.

Woolen Pouches
The Woolen Pouches may be the least practical item on this list. Martha suggests that you knit random woolen pouches that your family can then cover random items with. I had no idea what a person would possibly use these for. Martha clarifies that they could be used to cover a hot water bottle. It’s nice that she threw in a suggestion specifically for nurses from the 1940’s.

Gift Wrap Coasters
This seems like a repeat of another item on the list (see Felt Coasters), but this gift idea is far more ridiculous. The gift wrap on top makes it look like these used to be part of an actual present. This is a great way to remind your family that you do understand the concept of giving good presents, but just decided to not to.

Belt Rack
This was a present that seemed practical and thoughtful, and, unlike all of the other ideas, it might not be immediately thrown in the trash. And then I got to the picture. I assumed the picture of ordinary clothes hanger was a mistake. I assumed that no one could reach that level of laziness in gift-giving, but Martha’s keen eye noticed that the hook of the hanger could be placed through the belt buckle and decided that was enough for her to deem this a worthy Christmas present.

Cardboard Cat Playhouse
Not wanting the pet-lovers to be left out, Martha decided to suggest the Cardboard Cat Playhouse, made from three cardboard boxes. She says that all the fun is in the assembly, and it should be left up to the recipient to decide how to assemble it. I don’t even have words to convey how bad I feel for the poor guy who receives three cardboard boxes from a person he thought cared about him. They aren’t even for him. His present is setting up cardboard boxes for cats who will also hate them.

Felt Tissue Case
There is a very select group of tissue aficionados who will appreciate this. Chances are no one in your family belongs to this group, you have never met one, and you never will. Tissues do not and never will need a cover. They already come in a box. There is nothing more to it.

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